The Secret of Cuck Island - 2022
Synopsis (from IMDb):
A struggling Brooklyn gig economist must expose a corporate eugenics conspiracy before they get him by the balls.
The Secret of Cuck Island, 2022, 64 minutes, USA. Written and directed by Rives Elliot. Edited by John Burgio. Cinematography by Sam David Zhang. Special Effects by R.J. Young. Elves wrangled by Derek Woodrow Johnson. Balls wrangled by Jenn Ferrer Johnson. Cast includes: John Burgio (John), Kacey Czosnowski (Hannah), Mia Strizzi (Izzy), Zac Amico (Volcel Leader), Ben Johnson (Volcel), Dwayne Mendez (Volcel), Alexandra Faye Sadeghian (Female Agent), Roberto Sanabria (Male Agent), Amanda Flowers (Goth Girl), Dylan Mars Greenberg (Goth Girl), Lloyd Kaufman (The Billionaire). Soundtrack includes: R.J. Young, John Brennan, GasMask Man, Steeler the Whiplash Maniac. From Classy Underground Movies and Troma.
The Secret of Cuck Island, director Rives Elliot’s feature-length debut (see also the short films Tammy and My Boyfriend is Coming AKA Superviolence), will make its world premiere Sunday, July 17th at Troma-Thon ‘22 during the 22nd Annual Tromadance Film Festival. Within the first TWO minutes of this movie, we get conspiracy nuts, ‘Merican flags, boobs, cheeseburgers, public finger-bangin’, puke, cum, and shit. Don’t even pretend you need to hear more…
You’re still here? Fine, I’ll do my job and talk more about the chaotic clusterfuck that is The Secret of Cuck Island - and I mean that in the absolute best possible way. Our main character, John, just moved to the big city and started working for a self-proclaimed social media influencer (Izzy). Hence the reason the found footage aspect of this film works - he’s supposed to be filming everything. When he fucks that job up, he has to find work online, which leads him to Purple Pam (played by Purple Pam), who wants him to film her uncovering an ecological conspiracy - barrels of meat-like substances washing up on the shores. Little does he know that this will lead him straight into some shady, illuminati-type eugenics shit.
The Secret of Cuck Island is a sleazy, nasty, politically incorrect adventure story - a modern-day hero’s quest, if you will - featuring a number of nipple-twists and turns as John becomes the reluctant anti-anti-hero and unwittingly investigates one of the biggest cumspiracies to ever hit the United States. His journey finds him crossing paths with angry goth girls, his ex-employer’s self-defense trained ex-girlfriend, a group of tinfoil-hatted Volcels who believe power cums from the testicles, and an elf named Jenny who shows him the way. Be sure to wear a raincoat for this one, because bodily fluids are spraying everywhere.
Everything about Elliot’s feature debut is balls-out crazy, from beginning to end. This movie manages to shit on everyone while also empowering everyone, and that’s part of the reason it works really well. Found footage films can often end up cheesy and cliched and far too formulaic, but this one is able to avoid that by making the filming make sense. This dude is filming for his job, then filming for his life. Intercut with all of this footage is other people using his phone to film their own shit, and to top it all off, right up front we are told this is footage that has been edited together to lift the curtain on some shady shit. There is no need to yell at your screen of choice and ask why this idiot is still filming! Add in the nice acting by the leads, Burgio and Czosnowski, over the top crazy by the supporting cast, and a handful of clever shots (the subway scene, in particular, is very nicely done), and you’ve got yourself a fun time!
What is the actual secret of Cuck Island? That’s something you’ll just have to find out for yourself, but I promise it’s a secret that is fun to discover. This movie is absolute chaos in that special Troma kind of way, and it delights in offending and amusing. This newest batch of Troma films has really been pushing things to another level, and it opens the doors to another absolutely amazing 50 years of uncensored, unapologetic, un-budgeted works of genius. If you’re anywhere near Pennsylvania, and you like good movies/have any taste at all, you’re a damn fool to not head out to Troma-Thon ‘22.
Scene highlights include:
*** Volcels, Volcels, Volcels (ack)!!!
*** The Billionaire’s “final solution”
*** Multiple fights scenes involving shady agents and underestimated protagonists
For fans of self-suck yoga; big hairy balls; worldwide conspiracies; irreverence and transgression; sword-swallowing clowns; bodily fluids x 100; Tromatic tales.
I cannot thank Rives Elliot enough for sending me a screener of this movie. I got to meet and work with him on The Curse of the Weredeer (coming soon from Troma!), and he was nothing but awesome. He showed me the ropes when it came to setting up light stands and camera hook-ups, and he was a fellow were-hunter. There was a lot of hype about this movie on set, as many of the crew had worked on it, and this not only lived up to the hype, it surpassed it. I always love seeing friends’ names in the credits, and this one was full of my new buddies. Does that make me biased? I honestly don’t give a fuck. The Secret of Cuck Island is everything you expect from a Troma movie and more, and I cannot urge you enough to go check it out, whether that’s in your local theater, at Troma-Thon ‘22, or when it comes out on DVD. Buy it, support physical media, support independent filmmaking, and love you some fucking Tromasterpieces!